Mik, when is he gonna put a ring on it?!

Short answer: When I was ready for him to. 

Many of you know that when I was 16 going on 17, I entered a relationship that turned abusive very quickly. It changed me, but instead of the relationship leaving scars that I hide, I show and share my scars proudly because of how much strength it took to leave and recover from the lingering aches and pains. It forced me to grow up and experience the complexities of life and love.

I learned early on that in relationships, it’s incredibly easy to be good when life is good. But life is awful, amazing, and then plain boring. Good is never guaranteed.

It ultimately led me to realize that although I am here now in a strong, healthy relationship with a man I trust with my life, relying on someone else to fix you or trying to fix yourself by fixing someone else always leaves you unfulfilled. It puts your well-being up to someone else to make or break when the ultimate goal is to learn that you have autonomy over your body and emotions. And you can do this alone or with someone by your side.

What I haven’t shared is how growing up in a very loving and supportive family with a dad who dealt with the lifelong effects of addiction played a role in how I viewed myself and the role I thought I needed to play in my intimate, familial, and platonic relationships. My dad died right before his 25th sobriety anniversary to something unrelated to his recovery or past struggles with addiction, and I share this with you because I know that even in his struggles, he was a teacher at heart. He had an unwavering need to share his wisdom, and being his daughter, I want his legacy to live on.

I am no expert in this, so if you feel like you see my life experiences mirroring your own, here are some resources that can help you:

• A book I’ve read that helped me understand myself
• My favorite journal
• The best erasable pens for journaling
• Therapist Search (how I found my therapist!)

My dad and my experience being in an abusive relationship also taught me to believe in myself more than I believe in anyone else. To love myself enough in a relationship means that I also get a say in every life step my partner and I take together.

It wasn’t just about finding someone who adored me when life was good. It was about finding someone who would show up for me when life got messy, when I wasn’t at my best, when grief, stress, illness, or uncertainty took hold. And more importantly, it was about finding someone who would also hold me to that same standard of love and care. Because it’s incredibly easy to be good when life is good. But when life is awful, amazing, and then plain boring. Good is never guaranteed.

When Owen and I were finally ready, it wasn’t because we hit some arbitrary timeline or outside pressure got to us. It was because we had spent enough time upholding those standards with kindness, patience, and understanding. We had walked through the little challenges and the devastating ones. We had seen each other at our best and at our lowest, and through it all, we had chosen each other—not just in the beautiful moments, but in the painful ones too. We owed it to ourselves and to each other to step into this next chapter knowing our love could withstand whatever came next.

I lost my dad one year ago. The way Owen has held me through grief is exactly how I deserve to be held. With love, unwavering and strong.

Owen lost his best friend the year prior. I know he would say the same thing about me.

The way we have both held ourselves through these life-altering devastations brought confidence in our relationship too.

You desrve to be loved unconditionally by yourself. And you deserve people around you who choose to love you too.